Lou Reed "Transformer" [1972]

Those who suspected in the 60s that the Velvet Underground were the most talentless group of miscreant druggies propped up by their vague association with Andy Warhol and nothing else -- assuming you even heard of the fucking Velvet Underground before Lou Reed went solo -- were proven so incredibly, profoundly correct upon the release of Reed's solo breakthrough album "Transformer" it's impossible to exaggerate. This time he gets propped up by David Bowie as these two speed-freak zombies in pancake makeup and eyeliner race to the bottom of the realms of bad taste. And Lou Reed wins. Still struggling to hold a tune with his nasal quiver of a voice and with no ability to figure out an interesting chord progression, it takes Bowie's hyperactive session-wonk studio taskmastering to get "Transformer" out of the toilet, however briefly. But even Bowie is helpless beneath the most insipidly absurd lyric sheet ever printed -- retarded gender-bending mixed with amphetamine-fueled idiocy that makes "Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a Bear" seem like Longfellow. It's probably very fortunate Reed likely remembers none of this period of his life, and because he's not yet dead from embarrassment it's a good indication he's never been curious to revisit it. Because even if you tried, you couldn't remotely approach this level of lowlife, unintentional comedy -- Lou Reed was the biggest clown rock music has ever produced, even bigger than Gene Simmons.