Rick Ross "Teflon Don" [2010]

Oh, hip-hop -- will you ever get over your infatuation crime and murder? Rick Ross, even with the help of "talents" like Jay-Z and Cee-lo, knows in his heart that he'll never get famous unless somebody guns him down like Tupac or Biggie (who gives a fuck which?). But now that those two niggas have worms crawling through their skull holes, Rick Ross still hasn't learned that scene is way the fuck over. Mindlessly, he cops the Kanye West off-time sample production technique, thinking it would somehow work for him when it didn't even work for Kanye himself. Besides, senseless as Kanye is about most things, at least he was bright enough to understand gangsta rap was a three-legged dog dying in its own pool of vomit. Rick Ross, though, is trying to resurrect this most misogynistic musical genre outside of Taliban radio. So fuck him. Besides, as he strolls through "Teflon Don," thinking he's a big man in more ways than just in reference to the medicine ball where his stomach should be, he's clearly been signed too long to understand most people have given up the fantasy-pimp bullshit since the Great Recession hit them. The only good thing about this enterprise is that music is so segregated these days you won't hear anything about Rick Ross getting his head blown off unless you're devoted to African-American Sirius stations or hear the news eventually through your favorite sports stars. And even then, you'll think they're talking about the kid who rapped with his clothes on backwards.