Run DMC "King Of Rock" [1985]

Had actual rock music been this two-dimensional and obnoxious, there's no way it could have ever survived the 50s. With programmed hip-hop beats put together by the kid from Special Ed in the drum class made even worse by guitar-work provided by Ray Parker Jr. on crazy pills and synth patches from The Gap Band's keyboard player with brain damage, Run DMC's "King Of Rock" is a hideously transparent attempt a cross-over between the urban rap music crowd and true rock fans. But even most of those suburban idiots who listened to the Scorpions were beyond a kindergarten-level understanding of rhythm and lyrical content. Shoot, Run DMC make Sam & Dave seem like college professors. For those who were duped by this naked grab at the lowest common denominator, they'd eventually have found out Run DMC had even sold street hoods short, as if nobody on the corner could play the dozens faster than 120 beats per minute (BTW, even the stupid ones can). Typical of New Yorkers, however, the self-identified street-smartest people in America are suckers for anything so unapologetically Noo Yawk (see: Joel, Billy -- the catalog of); thus, they wound up selling themselves short, too. So anyone outside the five boroughs must be forgiven for thinking the whole city had gone retarded around the time Run DMC hit the scene… at least until the Beastie Boys showed up, when they knew for sure.