John Mayer "Room for Squares" [2001]

Good God, not this. As unapologetically wonky as he is wanky, John Mayer's debut "Room for Squares" set the table for a whole group of new fey teeny-bopper molesters, as if they're the Birkenstock-wearing contingent of Mickey Mouse Club alumni. Next time you curse the fact you know who Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz are, blame this douchebag. Mayer could have enjoyed a perfectly soulless existence playing backup guitar on studio singles for Death Cab for Cutie, but no -- he had to put on his teddy-bear whisper and try to seduce every underage girl in American suburbia. If he were a black dude, he'd still be in prison. And, to be fair, recording "Room for Squares" the way he did (hey, nice title, BTW -- was "Dorksongs" already taken?) pretty much already played to his bland sessionist instincts, except he got paid more and got to bang all of Adam Duritz's female TV star leftovers. Even worse, Mayer branches out into fake yuppie stoner pop-disco, a la Dave Matthews Band; apparently college kids at the the turn of the Millennium hadn't been paying attention to how bad their parents' Sting and Seal CDs were sucking. In fact, if anything, Mayer probably was every bit as attractive to menopausal swim team coaches as he was to his Hello Kitty target market. It all makes so much sense in relation to Music Biz 101, but outside that, the only sense "Room for Squares" makes is in justifying Limp Bizkit's indecipherable rage.