Tegan and Sara "Heartthrob" [2013]

Apparently what's emerging in the marketplace, much to my infinite dismay -- now that beard-rock is dissolving like so many hits in a vaporizer -- is former indie chicks cashing in their integrity for a shot at heavy rotation on Z-94. From Yeah Yeah Yeahs to The Kills to Cat Power, it's becoming pretty unavoidable that women can't simply exist forever sleeping in a smelly van with all their band equipment, and are willing to be confused with Miley Cyrus for the next couple years, at least until their crises of conscience makes them give up the game altogether. Taking this strategy to a truly horrendous level, cutesy-poo identical twins Tegan and Sara put their sugar-high harmonies to work in the service of "Heartthrob," where they actually employed Ke$ha's producer to make them sound like Wilson Phillips in an animated version of the kiddie board game Candyland. This is very dangerous stuff; if popsters currently seeing their soccer-chant singles flopping in the stadiums and on the charts decide they need to do what Tegan and Sara are doing, we could be in for a truly insufferable period where listening to modern pop could cause type-2 diabetes. Then again, Tegan and Sara never really belonged on the indie set anyway -- foreign pixies like them should never be relegated to sad college towns to hawk their wares. Thus, maybe they've found their true calling and can actually replace Miley Cyrus now that she's embarrassed herself beyond repair, whereby I can forget about them forever because I never watch The Disney Channel or Super Bowl halftime shows.