Frank Zappa "Apostrophe" [1974]

You've probably never wondered what happens to jobber musicians just before they die of boredom, but if they're unfortunate enough to find the tape rolling at the time, they probably always come up with insipid wankdom like Frank Zappa's "Apostrophe." A hyper, hairy 70s-era Spike Jones capitalizing on the plethora of stoned-out music fans at the time, Zappa orchestrates every second of this meaningless faux-hilarious romp about smelly feet and eating pissed-on snow when he's not trying to prove to the listening audience -- who'd already abandoned the record by the beginning of Side B (and that's being generous) -- that he's some sort of guitar rock god. Further, Zappa was always quick to demean drug usage, especially among his band members, but clearly he himself needed something to take the edge of extreme smarminess off his approach -- or at least realize those xylophones needed to go. Why he felt the need to try and out-weird druggy psychopath Captain Beefheart with this brand of sophomore gym class humor is only something that can be plausibly explained by someone out of his mind on hallucinogens and narcotics. But even Jimi Hendrix wasn't this big of a control-freak cocksucker. Ultimately, "Apostrophe" should be a warning to all chart-reading musicians: if you find you're only in it for the money, you just might wind up with this embarrassment on your resume.