King Crimson "In the Court of the Crimson King" [1969]

Even during the "free love" 60s, guys had a sure-fire way to make sure all the women would leave their party immediately: they'd put "In the Court of the Crimson King" at full blast on the record player, and show everyone the horrendous cover art of a freaked-out cartoon-guy's nostrils and tonsils. By the squealing Robert Fripp guitar(?) solo 4 minutes into this proggy swamp nightmare, any chicks still in your apartment could clearly be classified as psychedelically immobile or passed-out drunk. King Crimson could have easily been named "Proud Wank," and even their mellow stuff (jazz flute? cue the Will Ferrell parody -- stat!) renders a mental cacophony, if only due to legions of boy-musician listeners pounding at the inside of their closet doors, begging to come out. But there's a reason proud gay wankers like David Bowie abandoned this type of scholarly musical nerdliness: he wanted to become famous. Apparently "In the Court of the Crimson King" was a satisfactory antidote for pop music critics' soft hell of reviewing Sonny & Cher and The Mamas & the Papas records back in the day; nothing else really presents itself as a valid reason to consider this worthwhile material, let alone one of the great works of the 60s. That, or it only hammers home the suspicion that all Rolling Stone critics are/were homosexual geeks in the first place.