The Stone Roses "The Stone Roses" [1989]

Strictly for those who thought the Happy Mondays were too soberly capable and the Jesus & Mary Chain not full-of-themselves enough, The Stone Roses hit the frail-trippy "rave" scene of the pre-grunge 90s with all the impact of Echo & the Bunnymen's wet socks. Their marketing department was unbelievable (literally!), though: this tired trail of mushy loops, soggy guitar chords and vocals the consistency of watery porridge was being pushed as the forefront of a new British Invasion... one which could have been defeated solely by roadies from the Smithereens' tour bus. To understand England may be a boring place to exist is to expect not at all the slo-mo XTC progressions and dickless hip-hop beats that were at the forefront of The Stone Roses' "attack." This is ultimately cutesy 60s music that the Beatles could've beaten ruthlessly to death with an offhanded single about Paul's grandma. Had The Kinks still been allowed to release music into the 90s, this album sounds like them playing while being suffocated under a ton of marshmallow fluff. I guess this goes to show that as long as you can somehow make Jann Wenner feel like he's not an old fart, you can still win yourself a high-profile 5-star review.