My Bloody Valentine "Loveless" [1991]

Ever wonder what Enya's music would sound like if she was forced to live a tool shed for an entire Irish winter? That would be My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless," an album that actually achieves what had long been thought impossible: it made Sonic Youth sound somewhat palatable. Dour creeps The Jesus and Mary Chain have more dynamics -- and more fun -- than My Bloody Valentine does here. Call these slo-mo sad-sacks Tangerine Nightmare. Aural corrosives gross out the stretched-out soundscapes of disinterest and petulance, with the overall effect coming off something like Beth Orton dying at the bottom of a well. By all means crank the "Loveless" CD at your apartment if you never want to meet any new people. And if you do, it'll be those types of hopelessly miserable schmucks who are drawn to walls of moody noise. Apparently there were plenty of them around in the early 90s, when the new era was eager to shed their boat shoes and pastel sweaters tied over their shoulders. But settling here in what is pretty much the sonic version of what the pissed-on Blarney Stone looks like under a microscope reeks of unnecessary haste and extremely bad taste. Perhaps My Bloody Valentine is engaging in a similar action to what the local drunks relieving themselves are; by listening to "Loveless" the joke's on us as we pucker up and give ourselves a hideous face-full of germs.